Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
