I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
