I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
