I am puke
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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