My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
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I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
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You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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