I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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