you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
