You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
