I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
