I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
