we're blogging at a bar
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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