He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
