My nipple is on Facebook.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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