matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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