Moan for me like Helen Keller
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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