When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
