Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
