I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
