His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
