Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
