My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Randomize
