I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he quoted the bible to break up with me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
