Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
