i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
