Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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