How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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