glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
