I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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