I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
