My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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