Define "chronic" masturbator.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Randomize
