You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
