Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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