you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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