Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
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Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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