Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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