I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
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someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
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My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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