My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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