I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
