So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.