Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
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DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
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I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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