I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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