I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
