The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
