i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
