that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
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