I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
