there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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