dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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