i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
