She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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