You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
