you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He? As in you personified your dick?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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