I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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