I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Randomize
