Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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