I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
