guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
