U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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