can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
